How to Set Healthy Boundaries and Get Your Needs Met
Seven Boundary Considerations
A healthy, sustainable relationship doesn’t just happen. It requires work, skills, and a commitment between two individuals to do their part. One of those areas which need consistent attention is developing and maintaining healthy boundaries.
In all domains you should have established boundaries, including your personal and professional life. Let’s dive deeply into seven core areas of boundary setting that can help improve the odds of a more satisfying and intimate relationship.
The first is establishing sexual boundaries with your partner. This includes expectations around intimacy, lack of intimacy, and deciding what you’re comfortable with regarding what you like or don’t like. You and your partner should discuss any concerns related to sexual boundaries. At no time should either partner feel forced to engage in sexual acts to please the other party. This topic of discussion should be ongoing as you and your relationship needs will evolve over time.
The second is maintaining physical boundaries with your significant other. There should be opportunities within the relationship for both individuals to have physical space from each other. It’s not healthy to feel smothered by your partner. Communication is a key factor in expressing the need for physical touch and limits behind them. No one controls your body, and you should never feel forced into physical or sexual acts. In some relationships, one partner may desire more physical touch as a demonstration of love. If you have a hard time connecting with physical touch, I encourage you to explore those challenges in therapy.
The third is displaying emotional boundaries with your partner. This includes being free to say, think, and feel on your own terms. Your partner should never make you feel ashamed, devalued, or criticized for your thoughts and feelings. Everyone should have the freedom to express themselves without the need to care for another’s feelings. Yes, this means you are NOT responsible for other’s feelings, only your own. We make the mistake thinking we shouldn’t do anything to upset our partner’s feelings. A healthy relationship allows for you both to experience a multitude of feelings which at times include disappointment, sadness, and frustration.
The fourth is exhibiting financial boundaries with your significant other. In order to thrive in a relationship, there is a need for money and financial goals. Many times, there is a spender in the relationship and a saver in the relationship. I am the spender in my marriage, but I’ve learned the benefits of compromise and sharing goals with my spouse. You should have clear financial goals prior to entering the relationship and feel those goals can coexist with your partner’s personal financial goals. No one should be using finances to control a partner in the relationship and income/assets should be a shared conversation with all parties. Challenges with financial boundaries is one of the primary reasons for the demise of many relationships.
The fifth is establishing psychological boundaries with your partner. This can be similar to emotional boundaries, but I created another section to highlight a few differences between psychological and emotional boundaries. Each partner has a right to have differing ideas and beliefs and should be respected for those ideas and beliefs. If anyone feels as if they can’t discuss certain topics with a partner due to lack of respect or criticism, it’s important to work through those challenges in therapy.
The sixth is maintaining spiritual boundaries within the relationship. I’ve worked with couples who have differing spiritual views and are able to make compromises in their differences to sustain a healthy relationship. However, I’ve also supported couples who have ended marriages due to the deep contrast in religious customs and beliefs. Before entering a relationship, each partner should have an understanding of their nonnegotiable views around their spiritual beliefs.
The seventh is cultivating nonnegotiable boundaries prior to entering the relationship. This can help you to better communicate in areas where you will not compromise on the boundary you have set for your life. This can be any of the above-mentioned areas along with things like being in a monogamous relationship, dating someone who has similar Christian beliefs, or having a shared understanding of how your children will be raised. There are some things that you won’t bend on and that’s totally okay! We all have certain things in our lives that we are passionate about and need to maintain to stay true to ourselves. You and your partner should consistently communicate these nonnegotiable boundaries, as they also change throughout life and with increased experiences.
I encourage you and your partner to schedule a time to review these seven boundary areas and explore any areas that need more commitment and strengths you already have within the relationship. If you and your spouse can benefit from therapeutic support in any of these areas, contact our office to schedule your session.
